March 16th, 2016
So I have a crazy story to tell you….listen up
I’m writing this on my plane ride en route to Sonoma, CA. One of my fave colleagues and friends, Sara Davidson is hosting her Boss School Retreat for female entrepreneurs. I was invited to come lead a workshop on Saturday. To say that this trip came at the perfect time would be an understatement.
For the past two weeks, I haven’t been able to eat or sleep. It’s been a god damn roller coaster and one filled with heart aches and tears.
You see, I recently ended a relationship with someone. You may or may not know this, but shortly after my divorce I got involved with a man. We lived together, traveled together, became really close and intimate, had so much fun, and I finally started to see a side of myself that I really loved (and therein begins the root of the problem).
And then, things happened. Without going into too much detail, let’s just say that trust was completely broken. Me being the “it’s ok I love you anyway” type of gal, gave it another shot. And then, it happened again. And I forgave, AGAIN.
And while he managed to really step it up and “prove” himself to me, I couldn’t shake that nagging feeling, “Can I or will I ever be able to actually trust him?”
Now, in all fairness to him, he was fully committed and really really tried to redeem himself. I could feel it and I could see it firsthand.
Two weeks ago, I asked him for space. I asked him to please find another place to stay while I handled my trust issues with him and work on this part of myself that was killing me and us slowly.
We decided that during this time apart we would still be working on us getting back together eventually and do what we needed to do internally to be healthy.
But as life would have it, shit happens.
People get lonely.
We need validation.
We need a boost to be reminded that we are wonderful and attractive.
And so, I found out that within these past two weeks, he moved on quite quick to another woman (much much younger than me).
Kill me now. It does get better, I promise.
Devastated? Not even close.
Bat shit crazy? Yup.
I became the kind of person that I coach my clients NOT to be when they are having sales conversations.
I laugh as I write this because just yesterday I said to one of my new clients,”Remember, you need to be super clear about your value. Your job, is to offer the solution to their problem. If they want it great. If they don’t let them go. Eventually they will come back, and even if they don’t it’s all good because it wasn’t meant to be.”
Funny how business advice doesn’t play out the same in our personal lives right?
Well here was my blind spot.
And by the way can I just say that this lovely lady in the photo below is Mona. We both missed our earlier flights, she sat next to me on the plane AND we are both Taurus’ AND both born on May 18th. Not to mention she went through almost the same exact situation as me years ago.
Mona and I got to talking and as someone who gets paid to listen and talk to people, it felt REAL good to talk to a complete stranger (not anymore) about what was going on.
As I was talking it out with her what I realized was that the same advice I give to myself and my clients about “staying detached” just didn’t seem to fit in this situation. I just didn’t and wasn’t able to “stay detached” here.
This was a matter of my heart, not signing a client.
You see, when I have potential sales conversations, I listen. I listen deeply for what the “problem” may be. And then, I give my objective feedback and suggestions. I then propose a solution. The solution is typically one of three ways to work together. At that point, I leave the ball in the potential client’s court. Because, right then and there I have given the information that they need to make up their mind (and of course I’ll give more if need be).
And I wait. And shut up. And stay silent. I let them think.
So one of three things happen:
They either say YES and we work out some sort of payment plan and I take a deposit.
Or they say “I want to but I can’t” because of money or time objections.
The third option which rarely happens is a flat out NO but I would apply the same behavior as well. I would still remain detached.
Here’s the thing. I can’t make anyone do anything right?
Like, we WANT to think we can manipulate, control, and persuade someone to buy from us and show them just how bad they need what it is I am selling or how GREAT I am at what I do right?
And in the online world to an extent, those fear-based strategies may work. But ultimately, it starts to feel real icky.
What has worked for me in my business is to stay detached.
I know what I have to offer.
I know my inherent value,
and someone choosing to work with me or not doesn’t change that right? Right.
And the same goes for love and relationships too right?
You see, here’s what I have learned about myself in these past two weeks.
I absolutely need this man to love me.
I absolutely NEED him to want me.
I NEED him to say “Vasavi I cherish you, I don’t want to lose you, YOU MATTER.”
I need it. I need it like a drug addict needs her fix.
Yup. And so where I have been and where I am at now is this– I don’t actually NEED him. Like really, I don’t.
My ego wants otherwise though. My ego needs to know that I am worth loving. My ego needs to know that the things he says to me is real and he means it. My ego needs to know I am the only one he loves.
Well thank god, I am more than just my ego.
And thank god I do know what detachment does feel like because I practice it in my business.
So here’s my challenge for you and here is what I will be working on this week:
Who is someone in your life that you have been desperately needing love, attention, and validation from?
Pick one for now. Pick the person that makes your heart ache. Pick the person that occupies your precious mental energy.
YOUR CHALLENGE: LET HIM/HER GO. Let them be who they want. Love who they want. Say what they want. Think what they want. And in the meantime, focus on you. Focus on all the things you wish you were hearing from them, and instead say it to yourself.
I’m going to be real honest with you, I’m doing this right along with you.
I have lost 10 pounds in the past 3 weeks and it’s this breakup that’s been 99% of my broken road.
I’m going to apply what I teach and practice in my business– in my life and more specifically in this situation that I am going through. And I want you to join me in doing so.
There’s going to be a Part 2 to this so stay tuned. In the meantime, let’s talk. Email me with who you plan on letting go of. Let me know what you plan on focusing on instead.
I can’t wait to hear all of it and thanks for making it to the end of this very long post 🙂