August 2nd, 2015
It’s been a while since I’ve written here. There’s a reason for that and I wanted to write this post today so I can let you in on what’s been going on behind the scenes.
There comes a point in one’s life where spending quiet time with oneself is imperative to the growth and integration of mind, body, and spirit.
This is why I’ve been so quiet lately.
Saying that this year has been one of the most challenging times in my life is an understatement. I’d like to think that I’m very self-reflective. I spend a lot of time thinking about how I can be a better person and have better relationships, with myself and with others around me. I’ve always thought that I did a pretty good job of that. And while for the most part I am, it wasn’t until I got divorced, moved out on my own and cut myself off financially from my parents and ex-husband that I was left with….my Self.
Being with my Self has been torture. Sure I’ve had some deep ah-ha moments, and started appreciating my Self more, but in all honesty, I have had to face things about myself that I have swept under the rug.
Essentially, I isolated myself from everyone around me (including you) so that I could hear myself.
I chose to be quiet. I felt like I nothing to say that felt truly authentic anymore. I assumed that the reason why I isolated myself was because I was going through so many life changes. It was as if anything I was saying was complete bullshit.
But now I know, that I simply couldn’t speak out loud until I felt that the words I was saying was coming from a united place within me.
Some of the questions that I find myself asking on a daily basis are:
-Why am I here?
-What does all of “this” mean?
-Why am I going through “this”?
-What I meant to do?
-Am I failure?”
-Am I meant for more?”
-Who can I turn to?
The last question (Who can I turn to?) was the one I struggled with the most. Up until just a few months ago, I had a tight support system. But something happened while I was going through a major transition in life. I found that I no longer had any interest in chit-chatting with people. I had no interest even having deep conversations with anyone.
Every interaction felt exhausting for me. Not to mention, having to share how I was doing and what I was up to brought up a lot of shame for me. I was no longer “Vasavi Kumar” the hustler, the brand, the life coach, the woman who was being asked to do interviews, appear on TV, etc.
I felt naked, and stripped of any title, accolade, persona, and image. Actually, I still do.
And because of this, I had no choice but to turn to myself.
When I turned to myself for support I found that I really didn’t even trust myself to make decisions. It was as if I didn’t even know myself anymore (or if I ever did).
You will often hear people sharing their struggles only AFTER they have overcome them. That’s not how I roll. Of course it feels awesome when you can share everything you have been once you have been though it. But that’s not what I’m about. Life isn’t all about the happy ending. That’s just the icing on the cake.
The actual cake is the process, is the struggle, the torture, and the having to look at oneself straight in the eyes.
So you may be wondering–what now Vasavi?
Well, to be brutally honest- I have no idea. On a positive note, I’m learning to embrace the fact that I do not have the answer to many of the questions I have been asking myself.
It’s terrifying for me to even think that I may never get out of this place of wonder and not knowing the answer to many of these questions.
It’s also very liberating to not have to have all the answers.
So that’s that. This is why I have been quiet for the past few months. Writing this email to you is the first step for me to speak from a place of truth.
Thanks for being here with me all along.