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bipolar disorder BLOG happinessOctober 27, 2013

On judging yourself and others for their past

If you’re prone to judging and making yourself and others wrong for their past, then I suggest you continue reading this:

9 years ago today. October 26, 2004.

I was using cocaine 3-4 days a week.

I was engaged in dead end relationships.

I had no purpose.

I hated myself.

9 years ago today.

I met Ashish. At the time my arrogance, which was nothing more than an overcompensation for my lack of worthiness and self respect, had me believing that he wasn’t good enough for me.

After all, I was the daughter of a cardiologist and CPA. (Note the false sense of pride).

And he, was simply a store owner running his father’s convenience store. (Note the cockiness).

Yet, with the prompting of my friend Kalyea, I marched into his store on October 26, 2004 and asked him out on a date. Actually it was more like:

“Hey you should take me out on a date sometime.”

But the truth was, I didn’t really believe that someone like ME could actually get a guy like him.

He was handsome. Kind. Friendly. Respectful.

And I was none of those things (in my mind).

To my surprise, Ashish said YES to taking me out on a date.

Many people don’t know this but the word Ashish translates to “blessing.”

And a blessing he was. And is.

Even though I didn’t think I was worthy of someone as awesome as Ashish, I still went after him. I wanted to believe that I was worthy of him and so much more.

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So I did what I do best:

I faked it. To make it. Until I started to believe it.

It took a while for me to stand comfortably in the fact that this was real. That someone could love me for me.

Bipolar disorder, drug use, self-loathing and all.

But I allowed it in.

And from that day forward, I set in motion a path that I’ve crawled on, resisted, fought, and eventually surrendered to.

The path of worthiness.

And still continue on that path.

The lesson here isn’t to necessarily ask a guy or gal on a date (unless you want to).

The lesson here is to allow love in.

Even if you don’t believe you deserve it. Allow it in. Be with it. Get uncomfortable with it. Because eventually, love wins.

And love is everywhere. And you deserve it.

Love,

Vasavi

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